A letter to my brother; What is Heaven like?

Dear Cailean,

Is heaven as far away as we think it is? Or is it just within our reach? I’m not talking about just in a church or in a book. I’m talking about all around us. Is it like when I look at the endless sky at night and think of you? Or is it everything that we’ve ever dreamed of? Does it look like it does in my dreams when you visit me? If so, it’s beautiful.

Losing you was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I still have questions unanswered, but then there’s questions that I have been able to answer myself. I’ll never know the exact reason you decided to take your own life, but instead of using your death as an excuse to put a halt to my own, I used it as a purpose to help others. Thank you for the best memories I will ever have. When I’m asked about what my favorite part of life was, I’ll tell them it was being your sister.

Since losing you, I lost a part of myself I know I will never get back. I’m not going to search for it, because if I do, I’ll just end up lost. I’m using what’s left of me to keep going. Since your death, I’ve learned how to put myself in others shoes. I know we only see what’s on the outside, not the internal battle someone is fighting. I’ve learned to treat others with compassion and kindness, and to love unconditionally. You’ve taught me a lot in life and death Cailean, and I will forever be grateful for that.

Although I think about you and miss you every single day, I’ll wait until my time has come to meet you in the Heaven that you’re in. Until my time, I’ll keep wondering what your Heaven is like while I make my own here on Earth. Until my time, I’ll do what it takes to make you, mom and dad proud, and to make sure that they never have to endure the loss that they felt when we lost you.

I love you forever and always,


Published by A suicide Survivors Guide

I’m a lover of all life, and an advocate for suicide prevention. Originally from Maryland, I currently reside in Missouri with my boyfriend, our dog, kittens and calves.

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